Ahh Real Monsters!!!! - Day 28
“Don’t bother rereading that because I’ll state again for clarity that on June 1, 2036 you and I will engage in physical combat.”
Grayson,
I love you son. I will begin and end this letter by expressing that. The body of the letter however is not pleasant and may contain a threat or two. READER DISCRETION ADVISED.
I promise I won’t make a habit of calling an infant, ornery, but you more than earned the moniker last night. I mean you transformed into a monster. Let’s start with the yelling and cursing. You called mommy and I UNSPEAKABLE names. Unspeakable namely because you can’t actually speak yet, but we understood what you were trying to communicate. Let me tell you, it was NOT appreciated or taken lightly. You screamed unpleasantries at us for 2 full hours. You refused any comfort we offered.
Comforting Gestures Provided:
Song (both recorded and live)
Dance
Song and dance
100% All Natural Breast Milk
Rocking chair time
Rocking chair time (with a song)
Diaper change without you making a deposit
Diaper change post large “shart”
Burping (3 different techniques applied)
Lighting changes
Butt taps
Back rubs
You denied all of these and continued your onslaught of name calling and profanity. Apparently, you thought the screaming was an insufficient indicator of your indignation. Half way through hour one, you turned violent. You swung and connected with several unexpectedly strong jabs to Daddy’s jaw. You pulled my goatee with Herculean force. As you are a baby giant, I was holding you with both hands and unable to defend myself (not cool). I go to change your diaper (whilst singing you a song for added comfort), and you attempt to use your feet to smear feces on my arm and chest. That’s not even the worst of it. You moved on to attack your mother, which I will NEVER stand for again. You delivered a flurry of Chun-Li-esque kicks to her obliques the likes of which have never been seen from a baby. Your behavior was beyond unacceptable and shall not be tolerated moving forward.
Mommy and I loved on you through all your antics, but the memory of your behavior has implanted itself into my memory bank. So much so, that on your 18th birthday, I am going to fight you. Don’t bother rereading that because I’ll state again for clarity that on June 1, 2036 you and I will engage in physical combat. I don’t yet know the plan for giving you these letters, so maybe you’ll have some time to prepare. But THIS WILL HAPPEN. If you repeat the behavior of last night, you run the risk of being traded in like a 2011 Altima Coupe, 3.5 V6, white in color. Northside Hospital did provide a receipt; don’t make us use it.
All that being said, we will keep you (for now). You’re still my 3rd favorite person in the world behind Jesus and your mother. Just do better. We have high expectations for you.
I love you,
Dah Dah
