Foodie Issues - Day 486

Yo,

Yeah, that's right. "Yo.” No terms of endearment, no nicknames, just yo. You showed out this morning and every morning for at least a week now!! I'm not your biggest fan at the moment. I’m sure that will pass, but it hasn't been very long since you finally calmed down. I'm angry and frustrated, and I still have to deal with traffic. I look at you, and I don't see my sweet baby boy. I see a black Chucky doll with a deceptive smile, more of a smug smirk. "Is something the matter father?" It's as if you're plotting on me, luring me into a false sense of security.

I kid you not, you were literally losing your mind. Your cries and screams were ear-piercing. I thought my eardrums we're going to be ruptured. You screamed on your back, you screamed on your stomach, you screamed while I shook you upside down by your ankles. I’m just angrily joking. Also, I am reserving the ankle hang for when you're at least 3. There was a point where I just had to stare at you from across the room. Now that your issue has been resolved we're here, silently looking at each other with only PBS Kids for background noise. 

So there must have been something wrong, right? What could have driven you to such madness? How do you go from insane Tasmanian devil baby to a civil, smiler watching Let's Go Luna and playing with Cookie Monster? The answer is pretty simple, a snack bag of Cheerios. That's it. No hugs, no jokes, no Elmo, no money, not even my cell phone would calm you inner Hulk baby. Try as they might, your favorites list had no effect. But Cheerios, Cheerios smoothed the beast. They were multigrain Cheerios at that, not even Honey Nut. I have discovered between the initial take on this letter and the time it took to resume it that Nutri-Grain bars work as well. Come to think of it, bread of any kind seems to pacify you too. Am I raising a grain addict?? Question for another day. 

So I've found the secret sauce. You require a snack before breakfast. That snack is to be delivered to you within 10 minutes of you finishing your cup of milk, which you require within 5 minutes from the moment you wake up. For clarification, I am referencing whole milk; you've been off the boob and formula for some time. The store will reopen for business soon, but you'll no longer be welcomed as a customer. Fair warning. It's great that I have a solution to our issue in the morning, but your behavior is definitely not okay. You don't get melancholy or hangry like me. No, you epically rage. You're like Jack Jack from the Incredibles, fiery eyed and puffed up. 

More perplexing is how you can turn the food rage off in an instant. One minute you’re screaming bloody murder; 3 O’s of cheer later and you’re good to go, all smiles and dry eyes. There's no way that amount of food satisfied any hunger pains. Can the mere presence of a snack be that powerful of an influence over your mood? Or were your screams and my capitulation a display of your dominance? Are you the dietary alpha now? Evidence would lead me to say yes. You're always the first to eat. Your meals consistently feature a favorite food. Members of our family (who shall not be named) have completely disregarded my food desires and appetite for yours. I'm playing second fiddle across the board and you yell at me?!

Well, no more. I am reasserting myself as #1 in the family. I will no longer tolerate your "food swings". You're not going to berate and disrespect me. There will be consequences for your actions. You want to act out? You'll get all peas and green beans for dinner. You'll get unseasoned grits for breakfast and flavorless rice cakes for snacks. No more yogurt or ice cream, and I'm poaching your eggs on Saturday morning, extra runny for the maniacal baby. Try me if you want to potna. I now want all the smoke now. That is all for now.

Regards,

Mr. No More Mister Nice Guy 

Grayson, this one is for you…